So you want to have a 3some:
After a good friend of mine was invited, rather awkwardly and humorously, into a threesome, I thought it might be helpful to touch on the subject.
There are many spots along the way to a threesome where it can get shut down, but if you have the right partners, approach it properly, build a solid foundation, and handle the potential distractions with grace before they create a major problem, you and your partners will all have a fun, enjoyable experience together.
Like any other sexual relationship, developing a threesome takes an understanding and appreciation of the dynamics involved. You have to be aware and sensitive to the fact that each person is coming into the situation from a different point of view, comfort level and experience level. You also need to realize a girl’s initial reaction may not be permanent. She may seem into the idea at first, but after having some time to think about it realize she isn’t. She may react negatively at first, but if you keep your cool and remain relaxed (more about frame control later) while she has her negative reaction she may change her mind (Should be obvious disclaimer – No means no, and you will always respect women’s boundaries). It is realistic for her to change from a “no” on Wednesday to a “possibly” on Saturday.
There are two styles of mix-sexed threesomes, MFF and MMF, but the dynamics and development don’t vary too much until you and your partner are at the stage where you’re inviting a third. Because my focus is on the development of relationships between the sexes I’m not going to go into FFF of MMM threesomes, not my area of expertise (totally cool if it’s yours though).
I am also making some assumptions about your proficiency with women. I’m assuming you’re having success to the point where you’re having sex regularly and looking to expand that or in a relationship with an adventurous woman. I’m also assuming this is something you’re actively trying to make happen.
There will be more rules the more involved two of the three are. The more even the level of commitment, or lack thereof, the less “rules” there will likely be. A couple will not invite a third in without talking about it first and setting some guidelines.
Don’t watch porn as an example of how threesomes operate. Porn is filmed to make the shot look good, not for the participants to enjoy the experience. If you really want to observe the dynamics of group sex you do have some options. Skip internet searches and instead stop by your local “adult” shop and respectfully talk to some of the people who work there about what you’re trying to do. They will be your best resource for information about local swingers or swing clubs.
The guidelines below are just that, guidelines. They are not hard and fast rules — of course it’s possible to have a threesome without following them — people have been for a long time. But in my experience they will make it an easier, less stressful, more enjoyable time for everyone … including you. That being said, let’s get to it…
Frame Control:
If you’re confused about what frame control is please take a look at more detailed material on the subject before you continue. The frame you need to adopt, and the one we want to create, is that it’s about the experience. It’s not about you, it’s not about her. It’s about the experience. I cannot stress this enough. Say it with me…it’s about the experience and it’s about you all enjoying the experience.
Laying The Foundation:
There are two stages of setting up a threesome – Getting a girl into the idea, then finding a second girl/guy. Obviously, it will be much easier to approach the idea of a threesome with someone you are already having sex with, so when considering a first girl to get involved, start there. If you’re trying to set up MMF threesome I recommend getting the girl on board first. A man and woman approaching another guy about a threesome will be less intimidating to that guy than two men approaching a woman. Getting the second person on board will be easier if you have the first girl helping you; the idea won’t seem so outrageous if they know there is another person that’s already interested.
You can plant the seed by giving her permission to be attracted to another girl early on. To start this you should talk in hypotheticals at first. “Who’s your celebrity crush?” or playing celebrity “Fuck, Marry, Kill” and including some attractive female celebrities, basically making her pick an attractive female to “fuck”. Then ask her questions about why. Get her thinking about how other women are attractive before you ever say the word threesome. Don’t be surprised if she tells you she’s made out with a girl or has thought about it. Ask which one of her friends she’d make out with or finds attractive. She wants to have this experience at least once in her life; she may just not know it yet. She wants to be open minded and adventurous, which is something she should be proud of. While not a regular occurrence, it is not abnormal, and it’s more common than she probably realizes. How many straight girls have had a “lesbian experience?” You want to lead her to the conclusion that this will be a fun experience that she wants to have; you’re not trying to “talk her into it.” Once a girl is down with the idea you’ll want to move quickly but you don’t need to rush to find the third. She probably won’t change her mind overnight, but the window won’t stay open forever.
The Approach:
I’m labeling the approach as the conversation during which you first use the word threesome with the first girl. As with most situations, a confident approach can determine whether things go smoothly or require damage control. You have to be comfortable with the thought that this is something you want; you can’t be embarrassed or hesitant. Good tone of voice is key here. If you’ve gotten her thinking about her attraction to women and she hasn’t had a negative reaction to those thoughts, then she’s probably had flashes of thoughts like that. All you’re doing here is finding a creative way of throwing the word out there and gauging her reaction.
Building Comfort:
Assuming she doesn’t freak out once you’ve broken the threesome ice, your frame control and confidence is vital. It’s about the experience, and it’s one you want to have to see what it’s like. You’re not going to apologize for wanting to broaden your sexual horizons. Her comfort level will be dependent on your comfort level. Your confidence and leadership will help keep her at ease. You will need to talk openly about what would be off limits to you, and you will respect her limits as well. This is the time to develop the idea of you two inviting in a third. The minute she has any second thoughts, or gets the feeling you’re being dishonest about anything, the chances for a successful (meaning enjoyable with no negative fallout) experience will fall drastically.
Seduction:
As with any seduction, having your place prepared beforehand will only help. For info on how to prime it for seduction see our articles on how to fix your place. You shouldn’t be trying to clean up or prepare anything once the three of you are at your place. Anything that will promote relaxation and the lowering of inhibitions is also a good idea. Wine, hookah, tequila, music, marijuana…whatever you need to help ease the tension and set the mood (you know your partners better than I do).
Once you and your girl find your desired participant you should try to develop the threesome very quickly, the same night is even possible (strike while the iron is hot). It’s not the kind of thing you try to schedule on your calendar. Expect a level of awkwardness and be prepared for some last minute hesitation. You have to recognize that as nervous as you are, your partners can be more nervous and will be looking to you for comfort. You’ll be so wrapped up in what’s going on that if I give you any specific instructions you won’t be able to recall them in the moment, so instead just remember you can’t let your immediate desires override your ability to maintain everyone’s comfort level. Don’t try to “fit everything in” (pun semi-intended).
When you feel like things are wrapping up you are going to want to cum with your girl, looking her in the eyes. That will help prevent any feelings of insecurity, and will enforce that you haven’t forgotten about or lost focus on her. If it goes well, meaning you and your partner both have an enjoyable experience, there will be more in the future, so don’t sweat it.
Epilogue:
Like any sex there is always some clean up so have some hand towels ready for immediately after. And have enough clean shower towels so the three of you can take a “we got dirty together so let’s get clean together” shower. It’s a great way to shift gears and unwind from the experience you all shared. The polite thing to do is invite your guests to stay if they would like, but if one or both prefer to leave you should offer a ride.
Now go forth armed with a plan to follow. Be open, be honest, be safe, and have fun.
For information about improving your own social skills, or a coaching program specifically tailored to your needs, personality type, and learning style contact:
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