Non-monogamy Fundamentals:
I’m sure everyone reading this has at some point in their life found themselves in a “friends with benefits” situation, or has wanted to find themselves in one.
There are a few different ways to say it: non-monogamous, friends with benefits, fuck buddies, hook ups. But they all mean essentially the same thing: I want to sleep or keep sleeping with this person but the relationship has developed as far as it’s going to emotionally. Now just because you don’t see the relationship getting any more serious than it currently is, doesn’t mean you have to stop having good sex with someone. Going forward we will refer to them as open relationships.
The first thing I’m going to say is that this is a guide for you to use to try to develop and maintain open relationships for a time. I say “for a time” because from my experience every open relationship has an expiration date. For many men they appear ideal… all the physical benefits without any of the emotional obligations. What most men don’t realize is that an open relationship doesn’t necessarily translate into low maintenance, but I’m not trying to point you one way or another. As far as I’m concerned there is no “best” kind of relationship. Whatever you believe works for you is what you should pursue. If that’s to be in a committed relationship with one other person, casually date multiple people, or go out to a bar and see where the night takes you then that’s what you should do. I do recommend you always be safe, one night is never worth something that could be with you forever. And be honest with anyone you’re involved with, as well as yourself. It’s actually easier than you think. You will never be able to maintain a situation you’re not happy in. Keep in mind that sometimes you have to experience a situation to know whether or not it’s right for you.
The first thing you need to understand about trying to create an open relationship is that there are women that are looking for the same thing, not every woman, but many. The college classroom and the workforce is comprised of more women than ever before. Women are achieving more and more equality every day and that includes the dating world. It is more common than ever to so see a woman leading a more traditionally male dating life. Not every woman will get clingy after sleeping with you. Women are capable of having open relationships with a guys. Got it? Good!
When approaching any dating situation you need to try your best to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and recognize what she’ll be looking for as well as what her major reservations will be. If you were a woman that was not opposed to the idea of an open relationship what are the kinds of qualities you would be screening for? Discretion maybe? Just because a woman likes having sex with you doesn’t mean she’s down with you running your mouth about it. She’ll always have her reputation to worry about and she’s a lot more likely to get into an open relationship with a guy that understands that. Sexually non-judgmental is big as well. Don’t judge anyone else for their sexual habits, celebrities included. She’ll foresee that same comment about Kim Kardashian or Miley Cyrus coming out of your mouth about her after you stop sleeping together. Just because she’s open to the idea doesn’t mean it’ll be with anyone. She’s looking for a certain kind of guy for an open relationship just like she’s looking for a certain kind of guy for a boyfriend.
Let’s look at how to go about setting up an open relationship. Frame control is going to be vital here. Hold your ground about the kind of situation you want to be in. The idea might make her uneasy but if you stay firm, and gentle, that you’re busy and don’t want to make a commitment you know you won’t be able to keep but the idea of a casual, relaxed, discrete open relationship sounds appealing and it’s something you’d be interested in trying with her. You can use the Hollywood offerings of Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached as a way to demonstrate that in today’s dating environment it’s probably more common than she realizes.
Not every woman will be down for an open relationship, remember that we are screening for women that will be ok with the idea. It’s perfectly fine to end a conversation or young relationship that isn’t heading in a direction you’re happy with. You’re not right for every woman either. When guiding the conversation to topics that are your strengths think about using words like “adventurous” and “low-maintenance” to describe what you’re looking for. There is a tendency to not talk about things to avoid conflict when in reality a concise conversation can make a big difference down the road. Do what you can to make sure you’re on the same page, it’ll save major headaches down the road.
Maintenance is a part of any relationship and open communication is vital to the maintenance of an open relationship. Now, that doesn’t mean you talk about everything, or that you have to talk about anything really. One of the benefits of an open relationship is less of the “talking” typically associated with a more serious relationship, right? What I mean is that you need to be able to speak up when something is making you uncomfortable, or when a boundary is getting pushed. There is a difference between stepping outside your comfort zone and feeling like you’re in over your head.
Some of the things you might want to work out together, or at least think about yourself are…is sleeping over ok? What’s appropriate if you run into each other in public and you’re with someone else? How to initiate a convo about making it more serious? How to handle a convo about making it more serious if you don’t want to?
While open relationships can serve as a perfect sexual testing ground, getting to be each others low pressure guinea pig for new sexy time ideas, they are inherently unsustainable so enjoy it while it lasts. That’s why it became an open relationship in the first place…if you two were compatible and both ready for a monogamous long term relationship you would be together. Try not to let a lot of drama spawn from an open relationship so if you sense that things are starting to deteriorate you should consider ending it, quit while your ahead so to speak. If it ends cordially you never know what might happen in the future. Women have a tendency to justify sleeping with a guy they’ve already slept with to avoid “upping their number.”
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