Learning social skills is more about un-learning than it is about learning:
When you learn math or language at a young age you’re taught the proper way to do things from day one. Imagine trying to learn math without anyone teaching you, and the only real advice you get is “just be yourself.” Imagine seeing letters and words everywhere and having no idea what they mean, what to do with them or how to get them to make sense to you. You might figure some things out by the time you get to be 20, but for the most part you would probably be very frustrated most of the time. I can also guarantee that a lot of what you “learned” on your own probably wouldn’t be that accurate, even though it made sense one time so you stuck with it. Luckily we have great teachers that help us through the process so we learn the right way to work with numbers, and the right way to put the letters together so they make sense.
The other thing that teachers do for us that most people don’t really realize is that they keep us from learning the wrong way to do things. They save us the extensive and frustrating trial-and-error process. They keep us from accidentally teaching ourselves that 2 + 2 = 5. This keeps us from having to unlearn later in life that 2 + 2 = 5 and ultimately prevents us from also having to adjust everything we believe to be true based on that understanding.
If you’d spent your life thinking that 2 + 2 = 5 and all of a sudden you were introduced to a math teacher, they would have to spend a good amount of time helping you un-learn all the different things you thought were correct but aren’t – long before they could help you learn the proper way to work with numbers. That process takes substantially longer than just learning from the beginning. However, I think once you understood the concepts everyone involved would agree the end result was well worth the time spent.
From the ski instructor perspective, I can tell you that people that take a lesson their first time will have a much easier time learning than someone that has tried to figure it out on their own, had difficulty, and is now taking a lesson. The first person doesn’t have any bad habits or misconceptions about the sport, they are a clean slate. The second person has already developed bad habits that the instructor has to break them of in addition to teaching them the proper technique. It’s a much longer process. One of the most profound yet difficult things a mind can do is to let go of information it once believed to be true but now understands to be incorrect.
For almost all of us, our understanding of women is something we’ve learned completely on our own. We haven’t had any formal instruction; we haven’t had anyone helping us to make sure we don’t “learn” things on our own that are inaccurate. We get most of our guidance on how to interact with others from our parents, who got it from theirs and so on. We do not communicate the same way our parents did when they were our age. Which means a lot of what we learned growing up about women and dating came from a place that, while well intentioned, was not accurate at all.
For instance, most men believe verbal language is more important that non-verbal language. They get very focused on “what do I say to her”. But scientific research has determined communication is roughly 60% body language, 33% tone and 7% language. Imagine you had $60 in your back pocket and $33 in your front pocket, but tried to use only the $7 that’s in your wallet to pay for an $85 jacket because you know you have the money. The clerk wouldn’t believe you, and a woman won’t either. In order to communicate effectively you need to implement all 3, not just the least relevant (but most agonized over) one.
How many things have you “taught” yourself over the years?
As coaches at SS2.0, one of the most important things we do is remove all the misconceptions. As we help you learn what works, we also help you un-learn what you think works but doesn’t.
For information about improving your own social skills, or a coaching program specifically tailored to your needs, personality type, and learning style contact:
Social Skills 2.0 at SocialSkills20.com, info@SocialSkills20.com, or (970) 236-6253
